Another Day, Another Struggle

Before going to bed earlier this morning, the last thing I wrote on my facebook status update was "I need something to motivate me out of this slump...if it was only simple as peanut butter and jelly (that's all this kid needs)". Below was a youtube attachment of a fat kid going crazy for the song "Its peanut butter jelly time". If it wasn't for that flashback to Saturday afternoon, I don't know if I'd still be in my bed or not. However it sure is a relief to be behind this computer putting my ideas into words than lying in my bed with the only thoughts racing are reason's why it doesn't make sense to get up and face life.

Its safe to say that I hit that point where I need help. There are times where I feel strong enough to be able to handle things on my own. However every once in a while I find myself out of steam. My old doctor said everyone has their period of ups and downs. One major difference however are most are functional enough to be able to maintain their obligations. As much as I want to take the next step and follow through on the job offering my cousin informed me about, there is no fucking way they'll be a happy ending, at least in the long run.

Coming to that realization it seems like I'm up shit creek without a paddle. There seems to be no easy way out of this mess. Wondering what the next step is seems to be pointless. Yes I have some hobbies that allow me to maintain some sort of significance, but it still leaves me in the same place at the end of the day. I'm afraid to leave out the door to this room and face my mom and her world of negativity. Thinking of that makes me go back to why it felt impossible to rise out of bed.

The fact that I have a dental appointment tomorrow feels like a blessing in disguise. If it wasn't for that there's no telling if I could've brought myself to go back to that support group tomorrow night. Being in the state I was in an hour ago would've given me just cause, but it truly feels like the MDSG has become a cause to relapse than a solution to my problems. In many ways it was my last attempt to engage in being in part of something. Now I'm left thinking its not possible.

Staring at an empty flask of brandy, it feels like the next logical step is to seek salvation in a bottle. Bringing the browns to the superbowl will seem like a small price to pay for not having to deal with the situation at hand. On second thought there's a book upstairs that I've been meaning to crack open for awhile. While it won't solve all my problems, it'll help get a major beast off of my back.